Curse of Fate: Outtakes
by Mistress Nika
Summary: Pervy wandmakers, sudden unexplained metamorphosis, world domination, massive destruction, G Dubbya, a terrified sorting hat, evil/insane Harry, things you absolutely should NOT do at Hogwarts, traumatized Severus and so much more!
1. The Wand and the Wizard

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtakes  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.

So as to not screw with the chapter order of my fic, Curse of Fate, I have created this just for outtakes and miscellaneous scenes. These have no place in the actual plot of CoF and are just random, humourous scenes I came up with while working on the main fic. They are not to be taken seriously.

So, without further ado, I present to you, the first outtake from Curse of Fate:

**The Wand and The Wizard**  
**Summary:** A simple pre-Hogwarts outing to buy Harry and his friends their wands ends in the destruction of the Earth, and an orgy.  
**Pairings:** Harry/Lucius, Harry/Severus, Ollivander/everyone under the age of 12  
**Warnings:** slash, perversion, rampant sexual innuendo and allusion, language, violence, DarkVampireHarry, lack of a coherent plot

* * *

An amused Harry, an excited Draco, a drowsy Blaise, a bouncy Pansy, a scowling Theo, a shirking Eleanor, a confused Hermione sans parents, a disgruntled and hankerin-for-Harry-lurvin' Lucius, a disdainful Narcissa, a grinning Sirius, a hassled and a bit homicidal Remus, an exasperated Ollivander and an angry beaver, for some reason, were all crammed into one very tiny, very crowded wand shop. 

Hagrid had his colossal face pressed against the glass window, whining pathetically while eyeing the wand displays.

Ollivander grabbed a broom, shouldered his way through the crowd and burst out the door. "Get!" he cried, swinging the broom willy-nilly at Hagrid. "Shoo! Get out of here!"

The half-giant let out a girlish shriek and fled down the Alley, flinging entire groups of people into various store fronts as he ran from the scene.

Muttering irately, the old wandmaker returned to his shop.

Draco, Blaise, Pansy and Sirius had spontaneously started a game of Exploding Snap on the counter. Narcissa was attempting to put ribbons in Eleanor's hair, the girl darting back and forth across the shop in an attempt to elude her. Theo was getting pointers on the proper way to dispose of a corpse from Remus, as Hermione listened in, absorbing the information like a sponge. Harry was leaning against Lucius in a way that was entirely improper for an eleven year old while the man mumbled to himself about the possibility of finding an appropriate aging potion.

"Well," Ollivander said brightly with a rather maniacal grin, frightening each and every one of his customers in the process, "let's get down to business, shall we?"

Everyone took a simultaneous step back.

Ollivander grabbed Draco by the shirtfront, dragging him forward with a lecherous cackle.

"Hee-hee-hee!" he laughed creepily. "Which is your _wand_ hand, my delicious little morsel?"

"Uh, I, well," Draco stammered, eyeing the man warily. "Father?" he whimpered, glancing back over his shoulder in hopes of a rescue.

"You're left handed, Draco," Lucius replied simply, ignoring his son's silent, and not so silent, pleas for help, grabbing Harry by the back of his robes. The blonde man gave a tug and pulled the boy lord back against him, wrapping his arms protectively around his future lover, completely and entirely willing to sacrifice his only son and heir to save his beloved master from the clutches of the vile, perverted Wand Man.

Draco gave a squeak as Ollivander shoved a hard wand into his hand. Thankfully, it was actually a wand and not a _wand_.

"Ash, dragon heartstring, twelve and a half inches," the man crowed triumphantly, not giving the boy a chance to test it. "You're done. Next!"

A clawed hand, at least Blaise swore it was clawed, grabbed the youngest boy by the robes and yanked him forward, shoving Draco impatiently away.

"Wand hand?" he queried, leaning uncomfortably close as he peered into the boy's eyes.

"Right." Blaise choked. "Right! Right!" he declared repeatedly, a note of desperation in his voice, before Ollivander finally moved away to retrieve a wand.

"Black Walnut, phoenix feather, ten inches. Next!"

Theo was then yanked forward, and promptly kicked the old man in the crotch.

"Blackwood," Ollivander gasped, clutching at his nether regions and handing the boy a wand. "Dragon horn. Eleven inches. Next..." he wheezed uncomfortably.

Hermione slipped forward.

Recovering quickly, almost inhumanly so, Ollivander dropped a wand into her hand, his eyes glued to the top of her head.

"Vine wood, dragon heartstring, ten and a quarter inches," he said, his intense and slightly glassy gaze never leaving her bushy hair. "Next!"

Hermione retreated to the back, muttering things along the lines of, "pervy hair fetishist."

Pansy was next. At the hard and malicious glint in her eye, which reminded Ollivander painfully of Theo, she was handed a wand without delay.

"Zebrawood, Manticore hair, ten inches. Next!"

No one moved.

"Next!"

Harry shifted a bit.

"I said next, damn you! I know someone here doesn't have a wand!"

Lucius refused to let go, clinging to Harry tightly with a glare at the man that clearly said "mine".

Harry pointed to the box he knew to hold his Holly wand. "Just give me that one," he demanded imperiously. "He's not letting go anytime soon."

Ollivander wisely complied.

The moment Harry held the smooth wood in his hand, a look of euphoria came over him. He smiled happily. "At last, I can finally implement my master plan to-"

Alas, no one ever discovered what his master plan was. At the exact moment the wand's magic mixed with his, a localized explosion rocked the small shop. Everyone hit the floor as chunks of Harry flew outward, knocking things over and pelting them with bits of flesh.

When the smoke, and the fine mist of blood, cleared, Harry was gone. Or rather, the Harry they had known was gone and in his place was a handsome young man of approximately twenty. Unruly black hair fell roguishly over radiant green eyes. Ruby red lips quirked upward in a wicked smirk. A pale, deceptively delicate hand brushed back a lock of silky raven hair, giving them all a good luck at the devilishly handsome face of what was unmistakably an older version of their friend.

"Well," he said in a sinfully debonair voice, like luscious strawberries covered in smooth, rich chocolate. "Isn't this an interesting development?"

Jaws dropped. Everyone gawked.

Lucius broke the moment by looking upward and declaring emphatically, "**_Thank you!_**"

Harry threw back his head and laughed maniacally in a way no child ever could, no matter how decidedly evil that child was. After his moment of indulgent maniacal laugher, he pounced the blonde man to the floor without delay and proceeded to do unspeakable things to him as everyone looked on in awe.

Several hours later, everyone was still spellbound, watching the two men please each other in ways that shouldn't be physically possible. Fred and George Weasley wandered by on their way to Zonko's, saw the scene and began selling tickets. Unfortunately, this only gathered a larger crowd together for the massacre that followed Harry and Lucius' sexual revelry.

At some point, in the heat of orgasmic bliss, Lucius ended up a vampire. No one knew just how. After sating their sexual lust, at least temporarily, they proceeded to sate their bloodlust on the hapless shoppers of Diagon Alley.

The reign of the new Dark Lord had begun. With his immortal Consort by his side, his army at his back and his closest friends ready, willing and able to do whatever he required, the opposition didn't last long against the ancient and supremely powerful vampire lord.

Everything went smoothly for the first couple hundred years.

Those who stood against him died swiftly, though often painfully. The Dark races united in support of him. All Light wizards went underground, just as the Dark had been forced to live before. To ensure his power over the people would never diminish, he turned each of his loyal friends and Inner Circle at the height of their power. He spent his days in the arms of his lover, or lovers, and his nights ruling his kingdom, with the occasional wild orgy thrown in.

As for Severus? He's still around. He was mostly vampire, after all. He spends most of his time chained to Harry's bed. You see, Harry doesn't like to let either of his lovers out of his sight for long and Severus was just far too independent and hot tempered to be allowed to roam free. He doesn't complain much. He always did have a bondage fetish.

Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Five hundred years later and centuries after the fall of most of the rest of the world, the Americans finally realized something was "going on" and decided to do something about it. So, they nudged their president awake from his afternoon nap, informed him of the situation and advised him on an appropriate course of action.

Two hours later, the Earth exploded in a massive nuclear blast, a last cry of "Save us, G Dubbya!" ringing throughout the galaxy.

Harry and his Dark Court laughed from their colony on Mars, and had an orgy to celebrate.

**THE END**

* * *

_A/N:_ This first outtake is a sort of apology to my readers for not updating in a couple months. I blame Christmas. 


	2. The Sorting Hat Needs a Valium

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtakes  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** The poor Sorting Hat must sort a maniacal, homicidal, uber-powerful eleven-year-old Dark Lord.  
**Pairings:** none  
**Warnings:** violence towards hats

* * *

**The Sorting Hat Needs a Valium**

"Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh my goodness yes -- and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that's interesting... So where shall I put you?"

"Gryffindor," Harry replied quickly and easily with a smile.

"Gryffindor?" the hat questioned. "I think not. Certainly you're brave, very brave indeed. That, however, is tempered by knowledge and cunning. Plans within plans. Oh yes, you're very sly, Mr. Potter."

Harry frowned. "Gryffindor," he said again, more sternly this time.

"Mmm, perhaps... in a different time, a different place. But no, you're no more a Gryffindor than I am a tea cozy. I've never seen one more suited to the serpent house than yourself."

Harry's frown deepened. "It'll be Gryffindor or I'll demonstrate some of those Slytherin qualities you keep talking about."

Harry thought about the time he had incinerated Dudley's broken toys while laughing maniacally, thrusting the memory to the forefront of his mind and adding to the pile of melting plastic a torn, frayed wizard's hat. The hat froze on his head and, had it been able to, might have paled considerably.

**_"G-GRYFFINDOR!!"_** it screeched aloud, startling the entire hall. **_"GRYFFINDOR!! GRYFFINDOR!! GRYFFINDOR!!"_** it yelled again and again, just in case it hadn't been heard or believed. **_"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GRYFF-IN-DOR!!!"_**

Smirking, Harry removed the hat from his head and set it back on the stool. Before going down to join his house, he patted it on it's quivering brim and said, "Good boy."

No one spoke. Everyone watched him as if he were some violent disaster that they just couldn't look away from as he strode casually over to the Gryffindor table and took a seat beside Hermione.

"So," he said to the witch with a smile, "Nice weather we're having, isn't it?"

After a moment of stunned silence, McGonagall, obviously still stunned herself, asked the Sorting Hat, "Are you alright?"

The hat gave a startled jump and cried, "The boy's a menace! _Keep him away from me!" _Harry glanced back up at it and smirked again. "KEEP HIM AWAY!! KEEP HIM AWAY!!" By now the hat had gone into a full blown panic attack.

It took twenty minutes and eight teachers to calm it down enough for the sorting to continue. The first years looked even more nervous than usual and it was the hat that gave a relieved sigh each time a student was sorted, as if glad that it hadn't had to deal with another like Harry.


	3. The Thestral May Need an Antacid

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtakes  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** Harry's a naughty boy, and all of Gryffindor knows it.  
**Pairings:** none  
**Warnings:** more violence towards hats

* * *

**The Thestral May Need an Antacid**

"What was that with the sorting hat?" Neville asked, glancing around nervously as if Harry were going to pop up behind him at any moment.

"Maybe it's getting too old. Senile, y'know?" Seamus said absently, rooting though his pack and pulling out a chocolate frog. "It _has_ been sorting for over a thousand years now."

"But the hat can't go senile!" Lavender protested, sitting down next to a disgruntled Hermione who gave her a nasty look. "It's a hat. Maybe Harry's just really Gryffindorish and it wanted to get it's point across."

"More likely he threatened it," Hermione said, turning her nose up at the girl.

"Whaddya mean?" Seamus asked around a mouthful of chocolate goodness.

"Harry gets his way, no matter what," she replied as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Usually he's got a good reason for it, but nothing can stand in his way for long."

"It probably wanted to put the git in Slytherin," Ron stated with a scowl. "He belongs there, with all the other evil little Death Eaters in training."

"All Slytherins are not evil, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "But yes, it probably did want to put him there."

"Naaah!" Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Harry's a Gryffindor, through and through."

"Well, there's one way we can settle this right now," Hermione reasoned, looking toward the portrait hole. "Hey, Harry!" she called out, waving him over.

He waved back and moved to join them. After glaring at Lavender, she quickly vacated her seat and he flopped down next to her. "What'cha need?" he asked with a smile.

"Did the hat want to put you in Slytherin?" she asked over the protestations and shushing noises the others made while glancing nervously at Harry.

"Yep," Harry said simply, taking a bite of the apple he had in his hand.

The others looked at him stunned and slightly horrified.

"And you threatened it if it didn't put you in Gryffindor?"

"Yep again," he continued casually. "Said I was the most 'Slytherin' Slytherin it had ever seen. I threatened to set it on fire." Taking another bite of his apple, he thought for a few minutes, ignoring the stunned and slightly frightened silence that had descended. "Actually, I should probably get it back for that comment about me being a menace." Looking at Hermione with an eager smile, he asked, "Wanna help me break into Dumbledore's office so I can steal it and feed it to a thestral?"


	4. The Twins' Marauding Discovery

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Four, The Twins' Marauding Discovery  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** Fred and George make a tantalizing discovery.  
**Pairings:** Fred/George if you squint and tilt your head just so.  
**Warnings:** If you can think it, it should probably be listed here.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Last CoF update, I got a lot of people wanting to see more of the things you're not allowed to do at Hogwarts. This is, by far, not the complete list, just some of my favorites. Not much "fic" to this outtake, but...here you go.

* * *

**The Twins' Marauding Discovery**  
George scooped up the book that had fallen out of Harry's bag intent on returning it to him...eventually. 

"The Marauders' List" the title proclaimed in large gold letters. The twins grinned wickedly at each other and secreted the book back to Gryffindor tower and into their dorm room.

"Busydontbotherus!" they both exclaimed to their dorm mates, leaping into George's bed and closing the hangings. Moments later a silencing spell was placed up and the faint glow of Lumos could be seen from within.

Lee Jordan shook his head and sighed. "Either they're plotting or they're shagging. Neither option is particularly reassuring."

The others all nodded sympathetically and left the identical Weasleys to their own devices. The bed harboring the two delinquents shook violently for a moment, the headboard slamming against the wall loudly, before all was still and quiet again. The other Gryffindor boys watched wide-eyed.

"Well," random unimportant character number one from whom we'll here no more, hereafter known as Kenny, said, breaking the silence. "That answers that question."  
------  
"Damn it, Fred!" George exclaimed, rubbing the knot on his head with a grimace. "You didn't have to pounce me! I would have given you the thing if you'd just asked!"

"You weren't moving fast enough," Fred said absently, pawing at the book like an impatient child at Christmas.

Pulling it open, he began to read.  
------  
1. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.  
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".  
3. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.  
4. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.  
5. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.  
-Nor a were-tribble.  
6. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil or piranha.  
7. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.  
8. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.  
9. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.  
-I will not lick my boyfriend in public, even if he is covered in chocolate.  
10. I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced.  
11. The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizard version of the Kama Sutra.  
12. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.  
13. That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.  
14. Under no circumstances will I greet Professor McGonagall by inquiring, "What's new, pussycat?"  
15. I will not refer to a hippogryph as "Horseybird".  
16. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.  
-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.  
-I am not a Professor, at all.  
17. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.  
-I will not replace Severus Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.  
-It was not an honest mistake.  
18. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.  
-Or the teacher laundry.  
19. I am not allowed to ever cast an invisibility charm again.  
20. I will not give any girl one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present.  
-Especially if I don't tell her what it is.  
21. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled fire whiskey.  
-Charming the label does not change anything.  
22. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins and I should not test that.  
23. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."  
24. When someone accuses me of not wearing any underwear I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.  
-Especially if I can't.  
25. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.  
26. Severus Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".  
- Nor does he respond well to "Sevvy-poo" or "Debbie".  
27. I am not authorized to sell nude picture of the faculty to students.  
-Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.  
28. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.  
29. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.  
30. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts and I am not a member of that house.  
-Nor am I its founder.  
31. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".  
32. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.  
33. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide with the return address "Voldemort" is not funny.  
34. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before and is very, very tired of them.  
35. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.  
36. The proper use of the library's Copying Charms is to make personal study copies of educational materials, not to duplicate adult publications.  
37. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.  
-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges or any other food item.  
-Or any other item that is not a Bludger.  
38. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite period of time" amusing in any sense.  
39. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. I should not treat them as such.  
40. I am not the eggman.  
-Nor am I the walrus.  
41. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.  
42. No part of the school uniform is edible.  
-I am not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.  
43. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.  
44. I am not allowed to operate a business out of the school.  
-Especially not a pornographic movie studio.  
-Not even if they are "especially pro-Hogwarts films"  
-Severus Snape does not want a part in these films.  
45. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another house's uniform, messily drunk.  
-Even if my prefect did it.  
46. I will not teach Peeves the lyrics to "Henry the VIII I Am".  
47. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.  
48. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Severus Snape's drink with them.  
-Especially not all of them at once.  
49. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office.  
- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as back up.  
-Especially not with kazoos.  
50. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.  
51. 'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.  
- Especially not with Mrs. Norris.  
52. I will not try to convert my house mates to Christianity.  
-Or Wicca.  
-This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.  
53. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.  
-Or the referee.  
54. The house elves are not there to do my homework.  
-Neither are the ghosts.  
55. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.  
56. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.  
57. I will not declare martial law.  
58. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.  
-Including my own.  
59. Jellylegs is not an Unforgivable Curse.  
-That does not mean that I am allowed to perform it on fellow students.  
-Or house elves.  
60. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action and I will not do it again.  
61. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.  
62. I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.  
63. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban and I should not tell the first years that it is.  
64. The Restricted Section is not where they keep the books on bondage.  
65. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.  
66. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever I see Remus Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.  
67. I will stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.  
68. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.  
69. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.  
70. Telling Severus Snape that he has a very big wand is inappropriate.  
71. I will not ask anyone if they are "fucking serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.  
72. Robes are not optional.  
73. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.  
74. Shouting Abracadabra in Charms class is not funny, as it is very likely to be misheard.  
75. I will not trade my wand for anything, including sexual favours, fire whiskey or first years.  
76. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.  
77. I will not yell out "The Migou!" in Care of Magical Creatures, even if that is the colloquial name for the Yeti in Tibet.  
78. The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.  
79. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.  
80. I will not claim to be able to see the thestrals if I cannot.  
81. "Painted Streetwalkers" are not a type of bird and the Care of Magical Creatures class does not have a field trip to study them.  
-And you certainly won't get class credit for studying them yourself.  
82. I will not offer to teach private lessons in Sex Magic.  
83. I will not wear a corset and fishnets under my Gryffindor house robes.  
- I will not speculate as to whether Severus Snape wears them under his robes, either.  
- Nor will I check to see for myself.  
84. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.  
85. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.  
86. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts and attempting to do so will merely offend them.  
87. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.  
88. I am not authorized to form an elite squad of Prefects with authority over professors.  
89. I will not go to class skyclad.  
-_(The New Marauders' List)-_  
90. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.  
91. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".  
92. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.  
93. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.  
94. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".  
95. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.  
96. I am not a sloth Animagus.  
-Nor am I a tribble Animagus.  
97. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.  
98. I will not lick Trevor.  
99. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.  
100. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.  
101. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.  
102. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.  
103. I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus and even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.  
104. Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".  
105. I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".  
106. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.  
107. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.  
108. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.  
-Even if I brought enough for everyone.  
-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.  
109. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."  
110. My wand does not vibrate.  
111. There is no "open mike night" at Hogwarts.  
112. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.  
113. I should not sing anything from "Phantom of the Opera" in hearing of Professor Snape.  
114. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."  
115. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.  
-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.  
116. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.  
117. The Squid is not interested in starring in tentacle porn movies.  
118. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.  
119. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.  
120. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.  
121. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.  
122. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.  
123. I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within Professor Snape's sight ever again.  
124. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.  
- I am not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.  
125. I may not have a private army.  
- Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.  
126. I am not to, in any way, substitute, alter, hide or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.  
127. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.  
128. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey and it is wrong to tell first years that they are.  
129. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.  
130. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.  
-No, not even though I am a witch.  
131. I am not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.  
132. I will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.  
-Especially not if I actually have them.  
133. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.  
134. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.  
135. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.  
136. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.  
137. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.  
138. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.  
139. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.  
140. Muggles are not lesser lifeforms.  
141. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.  
142. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.  
143. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.  
144. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.  
-Or under his robe.  
145. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.  
146. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.  
147. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.  
148. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.  
149. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.  
150. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.  
151. "Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to suspect that she is planning to kill me.  
152. We do not serve Muggle stew for any meal.  
153. Those BSDM sex toy magazines do not belong to Professor McGonagall.  
- "Methinks the lady doth protest to much" changes nothing.  
154. I am not allowed to train my toad to attack prefects and/or professors.  
155. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".  
-Even if I do conjure him up.  
156. Running a pool on how big Professor Snape's trouser snake is just on nose size alone... is funny.  
-Him finding out? Not so much.  
157. I cannot attach bits of elastic to Hufflepuffs, even if I really, really want to keep them.  
158. I will not set up hidden Muggle loudspeakers to blare the Darth Vader theme whenever Professor Snape enters a classroom.  
159. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.  
-Likewise, I will not tell first year muggleborns that Pokémon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.  
160. I will not instigate revolution.  
161. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.  
162. I will not fake rabies.  
163. I will not spank others in class.  
- Nor in the Great Hall.  
- Or the common room.  
164. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.  
165. I will not bring sheep to class.  
166. Teacher is not a leper.  
167. I will not send lard through the mail.  
168. I will not dissect things unless instructed.  
169. Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.  
170. I am not my own long-lost twin.  
171. I did not invent Irish dancing.  
172. "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge.  
173. Madam Pomfrey is not dealing.  
174. Potions class should not end in tragedy.  
175. This school does not need a "regime change".  
176. I will not speculate on how hot a teacher used to be.  
177. Poking a dead raccoon is not research.  
178. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".  
179. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.  
180. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.  
181. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.  
- Likewise, I will not create a betting pool on the fact that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.  
184. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.  
-I am also not allowed to contact Mr. Chick, offer to give him the real low-down on witchcraft, demons and Hell, and then send him to a meeting of Death Eaters.  
185. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.  
186. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.  
186. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.  
-Or Voldemort.  
187. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.  
188. "Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonymous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.  
189. Sufficiently advanced technology is NOT indistinguishable from magic.  
190. I will not use the time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind.  
191. My name is not Captain Subtext.  
192. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.  
193. I am not allowed to claim Draco Malfoy is suffering from 'blue balls'.  
-Not even if I loaded his jock with woad.  
194. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"  
195. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".  
196. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."  
197. When detained by dementors, I do not have the right to a strip search.  
198. I will not try to find the Room of Requirement with the expectation that it will be full of beautiful women.  
199. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry "My god, it's full of stars!"  
200. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to and/or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, shape or form and I am to stop insinuating that he is.  
201. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.  
- Lucius Malfoy does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.  
- Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.  
202. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.  
203. The fact that there are only three Unforgivable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".  
204. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.  
205. Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden.  
-Even if it is for extra credit in Care of Magical Creatures.  
206. Sesame Street is not the American equivalent of Diagon Alley.  
207. "Witches Gone Wild!" is not appropriate material to have at a school.  
208. All the other boys do not do that with their wands.  
209. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.  
-Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.  
-Or "Eight is Enough".  
210. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves", I will be Obliviated.  
-Ditto: "Henry the VIII I Am", "This is the song that never ends", "One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall" or any folk song that starts out "innocent enough".  
211. When asked to demonstrate muggle technology by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.  
212. None of the Japanese exchange students are Kitsune.  
213. I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with a deck of pornographic playing cards.  
214. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.  
215. I will not perform rituals involving first years as human sacrifices.  
- Not even if it means the difference between passing my OWLs and failing them.  
216. None of the house elves are actually Gollum in disguise and I should stop trying to get the One Ring from them.  
217. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet."  
- I am also not to refer to Professor Dumbledore as "Ops".  
- Or to tell the first-years that they'll be "canceled" for doing badly in Potions.  
218. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"  
219. As I am not a licensed Mediwitch, I am to refrain from providing said treatments, especially without the knowledge and/or consent of my "patients."  
220. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.  
221. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into a classroom.  
222. I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the halls.  
223. I will not wear a "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT" shirt to class.  
224. Running into the Great Hall and screaming "Voldemort is coming!" is only funny the first 100 times.  
225. I will not offer to help the Dark Lord with evil plots in exchange for Japan and Canada.  
------  
Putting the book away, at least for the moment, the twins wondered how many of those things they could safely recreate before someone caught on. After all, while the Marauders were forbidden from these particular pranks, the book said nothing about Weasleys.


	5. Writer's Block is Murder

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Five, Writer's Block is Murder  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Ever wonder what happens when Nika gets writer's block? I doubt it, but you're about to find out anyway.  
**Pairings:** Harry/Lucius  
**Warnings:** language, sexual innuendo  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Until the random generators make an appearance, everything here is something that I have actually done while writing. Although, I usually go much longer between episodes of idiocy. I didn't think anyone would care to read huge chuncks of CoF though, so I shortened it.

* * *

**Writer's Block is Murder**** AKA Misress Nika's Very Bad Day**  
Authoress Lady set her tea down on her desk, grabbed the back of the sofa chair with both hands and yanked with all her might, pulling it away from her desk with a god awful scraping noise. What was left of the carpet came loose in great clumps, revealing the wooden floor underneath, but she didn't care. A large, hideous scrape mark along the wall was testament to the years of abuse she'd heaped upon her bedroom with that overlarge chair which, by all rights, should still be in the living room. But no. She took her writing seriously and she needed serious comfort for her favorite pastime. She'd filched the chair years ago when her mother had gotten a new living room suit and it had been her favorite, if a bit smelly, seat in the house ever since. She'd even attached rollers to the legs to facilitate moving it several times a day. Of course, one of them had locked up almost right away, causing the carpet to tear and the wall to be scraped every time she wrestled with it. 

Finally getting it to a good distance for sitting, just far enough away to climb over, she threw one leg over the arm and stood on the seat. With well practiced ease, she folded one leg under her and sat down, throwing the other on top in a display of flexibility that had been declared painful to watch by others. Comfortably pretzeled, she wiggled back and forth until the chair rolled, or grinded really, close enough to the desk for her liking.

That done, she opened up a document and began where she left off yesterday, fingers flying over the keys at a good 75 words per minute.  
------  
_A pop signaled the arrival of the Lestrange brothers and Harry looked up just as they fell to the floor in a heap. Amused, he watched as they quickly regained their feet and their dignity after tripping over their prisoners. Three unmoving forms lay on the floor and Harry raised an eyebrow at them, silently asking for an explanation._

_Both men fell to their knees and bowed their heads respectfully._

_"My lord," Rodolphus began, "these three attacked us just before we received your summons. We haven't had a chance to question them, but we thought it best to bring them with us. It's likely they were involved in the attack on the muggles."_

_Harry nodded. He could feel the faint pulse of Voldemort's Mark intertwined with their own magic, its oily taint twisting around their essence and permeating the air with its foulness._

_"They're injured," Harry said, well able to smell the blood on them._  
------  
Pausing, she reached for her tea, taking a long drink before sitting it back down on her desk without looking. The bottle toppled off the stack of awkwardly piled books and clattered to the desktop, spilling its liquid everywhere. All over her papers, books, medicine, sex toys...I mean...her keyboard and CDs and her desk lamp. Yeah. No sex toys...(2)

"Fuck!" she exclaimed heatedly, clambering up onto her knees in her chair and shoving at the desk until it rocked back and forth violently. The chair wheel finally let go and began to roll and the chair slammed into the bed behind it as she leaped up, still angrily shouting words that would cause her mother to make good on her threat of "I brought you into this world! I can take you out of it!" if she heard them.

"God damn it!" she shrieked, rushing to the bathroom and grabbing a roll of toilet paper and every towel she could find.

Using the toilet paper, she dabbed up most of the spill, throwing them in her trash and attempting to salvage what she could of her papers.

"No!" she cried pathetically, holding up a dripping paperback. "Temple of the Winds!" Rubbing at the battered and stained book with a washcloth, she tried desperately to salvage it.

Ten minutes later, with a significantly cleaner desk after her frantic dash, she sat back down at the computer, still lamenting the loss of each and every scrap of note paper and the permanent stickiness of one of her favorite novels. With a sigh, she began to write again.  
------_  
"They put up quite a fight," Rabastan returned. "They managed to disarm us and, were it not for your training, my lord, they may have gotten away. Two were knocked out physically and the third is just stunned, though a bit waterlogged after I thawed him out."_

_"Remus," Harry said, turning his head to look at the man, "tend to them please? I would prefer it if they didn't die before I decide to kill them for their transgressions."_

_Remus quickly went to work healing their wounds, the most serious of which was a broken jaw, then took the liberty of binding them with conjured ropes.  
_------  
One long-nailed hand reached up absently to habitually push her glasses up on her nose, only to poke herself in the eye as she wasn't wearing them.

"Ow!" she exclaimed, eye tearing up as she rubbed vigorously at it. Feeling particularly dramatic, she proceeded to make fake sobbing noises and clutched at her eye, as if in extreme pain.

Had he not been a poster on the wall, Dragonmaster Alex may have rolled his eyes. On the closet door, Kamui sighed in his 2D prison. This wasn't exactly a rare sight. Authoress Lady didn't care if no one was around to see her dramatics. In fact, every poster and stuffed animal in the room was certain she preferred it that way. Of course, she was crazy. They all knew this and, had they not been inanimate objects, would have fled long ago. Poor Chihiro was the most often abused as she was a four foot poster on the wall right next to the chair. She was often the victim of random wild arm motions and dramatic dance moves performed from the chair. Her many tears along the bottom were proof enough of her abuse at the hands of the madwoman.

On the wall over the bed, the Dark Goddess smirked. Of course, she was always smirking, as that was how she had been drawn. But still, this was more of a mental smirk. She was worshipped by Authoress Lady, as any Dark Goddess should be. Authoress Lady thought the Dark Goddess had sexy red eyes and was often seen oogling her ample, scantily clad bosom and shapely thighs. Despite the silly jester-like hat, she was the best cared for poster in the room. Of course, this was really only because she was a limited edition poster that Authoress Lady had searched for online for nearly two years before finding someone willing to sell. But let's not tell her that. It might break her black heart.(3)

Behind the entertainment center, Lucia smiled sweetly. Technically, she was in the best condition due to the protection afforded by the massive wooden structure that mostly hid her. Also, she knew that secretly, Authoress Lady liked her better. She was always watching watching the FMV where she got to kick ass with the Goddess' powers in the sequel. 'Stick that in your thong, Miss Thang!' the sweet, kind and gentle Princess of the Blue Star thought. Below her, Hiro posed heroically, unknowing of his lady love's wicked thoughts against her predecessor.

Authoress Lady's fake sobs had, by now, devolved into crazed giggles. After a few moments of that, she threw back her head and let out great peals of maniacal laughter. Outside, her dogs howled.

As quickly as it had started, it stopped. Going completely serious and silent, she raised her hands to the keyboard and began typing again.  
------_  
One began to stir almost immediately and Harry motioned everyone to their places. Rabastan and Rodolphus quickly donned their masks and stood guard over the three men as Sirius and Remus stood to each side of Harry's chair. Lucius, after a reassuringly permissive pat to the shoulder, remained where he was, straightening only slightly to regain his imposing air, despite his seat on the floor. The others kneeled before him with heads bowed, certain that this would include more pomp than usual in an effort to intimidate the three errant Death Eaters.  
_------  
Here, she paused, uncertain of what to write next. Her nails tapped contemplatively on the keys. She was certain of what she wanted to do when she started, but it had completely slipped her mind now. With a sigh, she reached for her tea, only to remember she had none. Hoping she would have remembered by the time she got back, she went to the kitchen for more.

Once there, she also grabbed a Star Crunch(1) and stuck it in the microwave for fifteen seconds. Happily eating her gooey treat, she leaned against the kitchen counter and stared out the window over the sink. Unintentionally, she let her mind drift.

'Mmm...chocolate,' she thought, watching with glazed eyes as her large dog, really the size of a small horse, slept in the driveway. Licking a glob of chocolate sauce off her finger, she thought to herself, 'I want ice cream. Dunno why. Don't have any. Mmmm...chocolate ice cream.' Unbidden, an image of Lucius Malfoy, ala Jason Issacs in the blond wig, came to mind. 'Mmmm, ice cream, Lucius...' Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy was half naked and holding a bowl of ice cream. 'Lucius and ice cream. Wonder what Lucius tastes like?' An urge to lick Lucius from navel to neck came over her. 'Ice cream is tasty. Bet Lucius is tasty.' By now Dream Lucius had dipped his finger in the frozen treat and was licking it off sensually. 'Chocolate Lucius!' she thought triumphantly. 'Lucius and chocolate syrup! Ooohhh! Naughty thoughts!' And so, her impromptu fantasy continued.

Her cousin, having just come through the front door, stared in terror as her cousin/neighbor began to giggle pervertedly while staring off into space. Hoping to remain unnoticed, she carefully slipped back out the door and ran home.

Authoress Lady blinked as she noticed one of her favorite cousins, who had been named after her as she would tell anyone who would listen, darting away from her house as if chased by the very hounds of hell. 'There goes Yuki-chan,' she remarked absently in her head. 'Wonder what she wanted...'

With a shrug, she threw away the now empty wrapper, washed her hands, grabbed her tea and headed back to her room.

Sitting down in her chair, after a brief struggle and a few half-hearted curse words when the wheel locked up again, she stared at the computer screen blankly. 'Oh yeah!' she thought in realization, 'I forgot. I'm stuck.' Then she felt a bit disappointed that she hadn't used her time in the kitchen to brainstorm instead of fantasizing about hot fictional men.

Deciding that she was indeed well and truly stuck, she opened up her browser and went online, hoping a bit of diversion would jump start the creative process. She checked her email, increased her stats in a couple of online games and insulted people on Gaia before going back to her story. Still, she stared blankly. 'Damn. Still stuck.'

So, she watched music videos instead. Music always helped. Lately, she was on a Hello! Project kick and so she watched performances by such groups as Morning Musume, Berryz Koubou, W and Mini Moni. They were all good and she enjoyed them immensely. However, they failed to spark her creative drive. This could have been because they were all in Japanese and her Japanese, while better than her Spanish even after two years of Spanish classes, was still sub par, especially when it came to music sung in little girl voices with a relatively fast beat.

With a growl of frustration, she closed the browser and turned on some music.

'Oh God,' Chihiro pleaded from her poster. 'Please save me!'

Ignorant of the poor poster's pathetic pleas, but quite amused by her unintentional alliteration, Authoress Lady began bouncing in her seat and throwing her arms around in a wild mockery of the dances she'd seen in the videos.

She spent the first verse bouncing from side to side, but as the chorus came up... "Suki sukissu kisu wo kudasai!" she sang offkey and at the top of her lungs. "Suki sukissu kisu wo mugendai!" she bounced happily as all her troubles melted away in a jpop induced adrenaline rush. "Suki sukissu kisu wa wakaru wa!" she wailed joyfully, lifting her hips up slightly in an enthusiastic version of the two girls rather innocent, yet strangely provocative, air humping/dance. "Suki sukissu robotto datte mo!"

'Thank you God!' Chihiro rejoiced, glad not to be damaged by this particular dance, however vulgar it was. However, her elation quickly turned to fear as Authoress Lady threw both hands up over her head and began shaking them violently while attempting to do circles in her seat.

"Shabara ran ran ran ran raara!" she sang cheerfully, right hand hitting the wall and the poster with each rotation of her wrist, causing it to rip in several places along the bottom. "Shabara ran ran ran ran raara! SHABARA RAN RAN RAN RAN RAARA!! Robo ROBO!!!" (4)

After several more rounds of that, the song ended and Authoress Lady, noticing the damage to the poster, ran her hand over the bottom edge to wipe away the dust, completely ignoring the vicious tears.

Instead of listening to more music, which could become a full day's diversion if she'd had the right combination of soda and chocolate, she instead went back online, determined to find some way to cure her block.

Going to her favorite generator site, which she usually only used for a quick laugh, she opened up the plot twist generator.

"At this juncture a barbarian turns on the lights."

'Well...alright," Authoress Lady thought with a shrug and went back to her story.  
------  
_Suddenly, a bright light illuminated the darkened ballroom as all the candles, chandeliers and the sun was turned on. That is, the candles were lit and the curtains were ripped back allowing the bright morning sun in. Harry hissed in discontent, shielding himself with his hands. The Death Eaters blinked and rubbed at their eyes, trying to make the white spots in their vision go away._

_"The light! The light! I can't stand the light!" Remus cried, hunching down behind Sirius and throwing his hands over his face much as Harry had._

_Sirius nudged him with his foot. "That's Harry's line," he said, rolling his eyes. "You're a werewolf, remember?"_

_"Oh," Remus said, as if just remembering. "I forgot." Standing back up, he looked over to the open door._

_There stood a large man with bulging muscles, bronze skin and long, knotted hair. He wore nothing but an animal skin over his unmentionable bits and thong sandals made out of something cute and fuzzy that would have made Pansy weep._

_The poor girl had never been the same since she learned exactly what venison was._

_In one hand he held a long spear topped with a crude arrowhead and the other was poised over the muggle style light switch which ignited all the candles._

_"Gah!" Dolohov exclaimed. "What'd you do that for, you great savage!?"_

_"Sorry," the brutish man said. "I was looking for Fufu."_

_"Fufu?"Adeline asked in confusion._

_"Yeah," the man replied. "She escaped again. If I don't catch her soon, we'll never find the Sorting Hat. I just hope she hasn't chewed holes in it. If she has, Mister Potter's gonna sack me for sure." Noticing Harry, he blinked stupidly. "Cor...did you start aging backwards or something? Oh, wait. I must have stepped through one of those time-space portal dealies. The world just hasn't been the same since that terrible explosion what claimed a vast majority of the castle. So many lives lost. Horrible. Tragic. And the fish! Why, just last week we found a cod in the headmaster's oatmeal. 'Course, that wasn't near as bad as the rain of salmon during that Slytherin-Ravenclaw Quidditch match. Just glad it wasn't swordfish again. Madam Pomfrey was having kittens, but we had a good stand-in as school nurse til she got back. Well, I better go find that plot hole before it closes!"_

_"Wait!" Harry exclaimed, horrified by the man's rambling. Being no stranger to meddling in time, Harry hoped he could prevent whatever had happened, if only for Madam Pomfrey's sake. "Where, or when, are you from?"_

_"Me?" the barbarian asked, pointing to himself. "I'm from a chapter far far away," he answered, gazing off into space and making strange hand waggles vaguely reminiscent of everyone's favorite slightly crazy, drunken, effeminate, possibly gay, pirate captain. Turning to leave, he said in parting, "I really gotta go. Miss Granger is planing to release her flying monkeys at the minister's parade and I don't want to miss it. Toodles!"_

_And just like that, the man was gone as everyone stared in shock at where he'd been.  
_------  
Authoress Lady paused, once again stuck, and so she turned to the plot twist generator once more.

"At this point your antagonist arrives and ransacks the building."

Authoress Lady chuckled evilly as she set back to work.  
------  
_While Harry and his minions were busy in the ballroom with the time traveling barbarian, a malicious presence slipped into the house unseen. Twisted, gnarled, creepy oldman hands rifled through Harry's undie drawer, pawing the childsized boxers with glee. With a perverted glint in his bloodshot eyes, he tucked them away into his robes before moving on. Ever so stealthily, he turned out all the drawers in the mansion, searching for more hidden treasure and strewing the contents all over the floor. Finally deciding there were no more to be had, he slipped back out of the house, pausing only once to take a long swig from his bottle of lemon schnaps, before apparating back to Hogwarts.  
_------  
Authoress Lady chuckled some more as she envisioned just such a scene, but once again, she was stuck.

"Clearly, it is time for llamas."

However, before she could begin to impose artiodactylan mayhem on the cast, a silky voice said from behind her, "Imperio."

Authoress Lady's eyes glazed over and a mindless smile turned her lips upwards.  
------  
_Suddenly, Harry threw himself at Lucius' feet and began pleading for the handsome blonde to make him his eternal love slave. All the other Death Eaters followed suit, bowing low before the godly form of the Malfoy lord and pledging their unfailing loyalty. And so it came to pass that Lucius Malfoy became Emperor of the World and all people the world over worshipped at his feet. He was served by a large harem of gorgeous men and beautiful women and the occasional pretty young boy, and Harry became his constant companion and their love inspired sonnets, and everyday they were paraded about on on a litter of gold born by handsome, well-muscled male slaves while beautiful, scantily-clad women frolicked alongside. All was right in their happy world and -  
_------  
"Damn it, Lucius," another voice growled. "It's my turn. Stop hogging the authoress! Imperio!"  
------  
_- and eventually the truth came out when it was revealed that Lucius Malfoy had been imprisoned in a gilded cage for years while Severus Snape impersonated him, but no one really cared, and they were all afraid to say anything against him anyway. For his wrath was powerful and quick, like the striking -  
_------  
"Severus, stop it!" Lucius demanded. "You're ruining the story!"

"Oh, like your version is so much better!"

"Well, at least everyone is happy in mine! You've got everyone afraid of you!"

"As well they should be!"

"It doesn't matter. We all know that Authoress Lady likes me better. Imperio!"

Before she could go back to writing Lucius' version of events, Severus pointed his wand at her again.

"She does not! Imperio!"

"Does too! Imperio!"

"Does not! Imperio!"

"Does too! Imperio!"

"Not! Imperio!"

"Too! Imperio!"

"Not! Imperio!"

"Too! Imperio!"

By now Authoress Lady was twitching convulsively as the two men fought for control. Her left eye was blinking uncontrollably while her right was glassy and unseeing. Her fingers spasmed randomly as she attempted to write both versions at once. Finally, her body gave out, her eyes crossed and she slumped over, head hitting the keyboard with a dull thud.  
------  
_nb f bgc bffvj yhuf yhjvfhj vuyhg nu gbhy dc glyuigyu fuiyjhvh yufvh hnfkrdjs nvcm,jk rsakldh whnfcakl gjuolk gsgfdhu_  
------  
A puddle of drool formed under her head as the two men stared at her with wide eyes. Glancing at each other warily, they wondered just what consequences would come from killing the authoress. Would their world descend into chaos? Would it split off into various different worlds all based upon each individual characters ideal versions of the story? Would it implode? Would they simply cease to be?

"Now look what you've done!" Lucius said, pointing an accusing finger at the other man. "You broke her!"

"Me!?" Severus declared incredulously. "This is all _your_ fault!"

With that, the two began shooting curses at each other in a furious duel.

Slumped over her desk, Authoress Lady gave an imbecilic giggle and gurgled a bit.

* * *

(1) For anyone who's never had a Star Crunch, they're like rice cakes covered with chocolate and caramel. Very yummy. They're particularly good when heated. They go all melty and gooey, while still keeping their shape so you can eat it with your hands. 

(2) I don't keep sex toys on my desk, I swear! I have young impressionable cousins who sneak up on me in my room at random times, so it would be supremely unwise. ... The sex toys are in my underwear drawer. . Weeell, there was that time I forgot and left the fuzzy handcuffs out, but I stuck them under my pillow before any of those young impressionable cousins (or the not so young and impressionable cousins who would kill for blackmail material) saw them.

(3) Those would be Alex and Luna (the Dark Goddess) from Lunar 1, Hiro and Lucia from Lunar 2, Kamui from X, and Chihiro from Spirited Away. I also have the ever-so-lovely Cap'n Jack Sparrow on the back of my door. Savvy?

(4) Twenty thousand points to anyone who knows who that song (Robokiss) is by.


	6. Purchases Most Maleficent

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Six, Purchases Most Maleficent  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** G-ish  
**Summary:** Hogwarts shopping with Harry. An alternate scene prior to first year.  
**Pairings:** nada  
**Warnings:** nada  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Inspired by someone. A reviewer someone. You know who you are. At least, I hope you do. 'Cause I don't...

**Purchases Most Maleficent**** AKA Never Ask Harry's Intentions Unless You're Sure You Want to Know**  
"Excuse me?"

Looking down, the clerk found the young Lord Potter looking up at him expectantly. "Yes? Can I help you?"

The boy smiled at him disarmingly. "I can't seem to find any Nightshade."

The clerk started at the boy dubiously. What could he possibly need Nightshade for? It was only useful in a handful of potions, most of which were deadly poisons. "Nightshade is very dangerous, young man . You'll need parental consent to buy it."

"Of course," Harry said simply, glancing over to where Sirius was chasing Pansy with a pickled toad, the girl shrieking her head off. "Sirius Black!" he shouted in a commanding tone, a frown crossing his face. "Drop that toad this instant!"

Perhaps it was time spent in Azkaban or maybe just the years he'd spent hearing such commands from teachers, usually followed by weeks of detention with Filch, but the man instantly dropped the toad like it had the plague. He straightened up and immediately looked around with wide eyes for the origin of the shout. Spotting Harry, he had the dignity to look sheepish as he picked up the toad and put it back on the shelf before crossing the shop to him. Pansy took that moment to hide behind a sympathetic Narcissa.

Sirius stopped before Harry, snapped an exaggerated salute and chirped, "Yes sir, Professor Lord Potter, sir! What can this humble godfather be doing for you, sir?"

Harry shook his head amusedly at his godfather's antics.

"Tell the man I can have Nightshade," he insisted, pointing at the clerk.

Sirius eyed his godson thoughtfully before asking, "Are you going to kill anyone with it?"

Harry pondered, stroking his chin, then nodded. "Yes. Most likely."

The clerk paled.

Sirius looked solemn, yet curious. "Who?"

With a smile, Harry began to recite his Hit List.

"Albus Dumbledore, Rita Skeeter, Mundungus Fletcher, Argus Filch, Alecto and Amycus Carrow, Cornelius Fudge, Barty Crouch Jr, Barty Crouch Sr, possibly Colin Creevey, Dolores Umbridge, Gilderoy Lockhart, Millicent Bulstrode, Whatsisname Quirrell, possibly Sybill Trelawney, Tom Riddle, various as yet unnamed individuals and half the Hogwarts population." Seeing the disapproving look on his legal guardian's face, Harry tossed in, "Oh, and Severus Snape."

Sirius instantly spun on the clerk and demanded, "What are you waiting for!? Give the boy what he wants!"

Unfortunately, the man had passed out somewhere around the listing of the third government official.


	7. Fudge vs Door

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Seven, Fudge Verses the Door  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** Ever had a door slam on your nose? Fudge has.  
**Pairings:** nada  
**Warnings:** nada-ish  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.

**Fudge Verses the Door AKA Harry Didn't Do It**

Harry and his minions were sitting quietly in the Arcana Common Room, doing their homework and other such mundane tasks. Books were spread over tables and desks, bodies lounged bonelessly on sofas and one creative Ravenclaw had a House Elf giving them a massage in exchange for extra chores.

Needless to say, it was quite a surprise when the door burst open and slammed into the wall with an almighty crash. Everyone bolted upright, some leaping to their feet and drawing wands.

A flustered, red-faced, sweating and extremely angry Cornelius Fudge stood in the doorway, glaring with all his might at a certain black-haired menace.

"Potter!" he shouted, pointing a finger at said boy and taking a step into the room. "I have it on good authority that you are-!"

However, what he was about to accuse Harry of shall forever remain unknown as the door bounced off the wall from the force of the impact. It swung back the way it had come, bashing Fudge in the face and, with a spurt of blood, broke his nose. He was thrown backwards into the hall and crumpled motionless to the floor as the door slammed shut.

After a moment of astonished silence, the entire room burst out into raucous laughter.

Harry looked momentarily stunned before exclaiming, "That wasn't even my doing!" and then joined the others in their mirth.


	8. Knock Before Entering

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Eight, Knock Before Entering  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG-15  
**Summary:** There are some things you just don't want to know about your children.  
**Pairings:** Sirius/Remus, Harry/Lucius/Severus, Hermione/Pansy, Mandy/Su/Daphne/Padma/Lisa  
**Warnings:** implied sex, slash, femslash  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Empy, I hope this makes you _very_ happy. ;)

**Knock Before Entering AKA Hormones Galore**

Sirius Black was having a good day. He'd slept in until noon and had eventually been awakened by a randy werewolf, much to his glee. They'd had a VERY late breakfast in bed and then found themselves all alone in that big house. Being the hormonal and very much in love couple they were, they continued the plans they'd begun at the beginning of Harry's first year to 'christen' every room in the house. Considering the size of the home, it wasn't surprising that they were still working on it five years later.

Now, had the two been thinking with the proper head, they would have realized something was wrong with this situation. It was summer. Summer meant a multitude of house guests that didn't want to leave. Perhaps they should have searched a bit more thoroughly for other occupants before enacting their romp.

Sirius reached for the doorknob to the gallery, not pulling away from Remus and continuing their frantic groping as he hastily shoved the door open.

A feminine shriek cut through the air and they shot apart to take in the scene before them.

"Oh. Hi, Hermione." Sirius smirked as everyone but him stared at each other in horrified embarrassment. "Nice panties, Pansy."

"Sorry!" Remus exclaimed with a blush, grabbing the doorknob and pulling it hastily shut.

Once again, you'd think they would learn from this, but they, or rather Sirius, figured that if other people were doing it...why not them?

While Remus headed to the chapel to see if it was suitable for desecration, Sirius headed to the family room with the same purpose.

He eased the door open with care, glancing around for other members of the household, before deeming it empty. However, as he took a few steps inside, he was beyond shocked when Harry, naked as the day he was born, leaped up from behind the couch and made a mad dash for the closet. Jerking the door closed, a pair of green eyes peered out at him from the crack.

His mouth worked soundlessly for a moment before demanding, scandalized, "Why are you naked!?"

As if in answer, Lucius leaped up, also nude, from behind the couch and made a mad dash for the same closet, cupping his unmentionable bits in his hands.

Sirius, while resigned to the fact that his godson was not a child, was now realizing there were some things he most definitely did not want to know. "Forget I asked," he muttered, preparing to turn away and leave.

Fate was not so kind.

A second black head popped up from behind the couch and pinned him with a hostile glare. Sirius felt his breakfast shift as he caught sight of a bared shoulder, his mind automatically supplying the knowledge that this person was also naked.

Severus nearly snarled at him, "Go away and shut the door! Can't you see people are trying to have sex here!?"

With wide eyes, he backed out quickly and shut the door.

Ten minutes later, Remus found him still staring at the closed door with a traumatized expression.

"Sirius?" he questioned, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Sirius turned to him slowly, then threw himself into his mate's chest and began crying brokenly. Remus patted his head comfortingly despite his confusion as the grown man was reduced to a sobbing wreck. "I guess you don't want to know what I found the five Ravenclaw girls doing, then? They're very inventive."

Sniffling, Sirius finally raised his head and said softly, "Moony, I'm scared. I wanna move out."


	9. Severus Verses the Barbarians

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Nine, Severus Verses the Barbarians  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** G-ish  
**Summary:** The beginning of Severus' downward spiral into madness.  
**Pairings:** nada  
**Warnings:** nada  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Part one of the "Things Chasing Severus" series.

**Severus Verses the Barbarians AKA Harry Takes No Credit For This One**

Minerva McGonagall was steadily working through the seemingly never-ending stacks of paperwork that came with the office of Headmistress when her door was thrown open and a frantic Severus Snape burst in. His eyes were wild, he was panting heavily and his robes were askew as he rushed her desk. For a moment, she thought he was going to try to climb over it to get away from whatever was apparently chasing him, but he just leaped over the corner with one graceful move and grasped the back of her chair with white-knuckled hands.

"Severus!" she exclaimed in shock as he tugged the large, unwieldy and very heavy chair full of surprised witch around to face him with inhuman strength.

"Habidha!!" he shouted, grabbing her shoulders and shaking them wildly.

The confused woman batted at his hands ineffectually as he continued to shake her.

"Minerva! Men! Follow! Loin cloths! SPEARS!!"

"Severus!" she demanded, finally managing to pry his fingers off. "If you don't calm down, I can't help you!"

He paused, took several deep breaths and visibly controlled himself. Drawing himself up to his full height, he attempted to impart on her the seriousness of the situation. "Minerva," he began in a tightly restrained voice. "I'm being followed, everywhere I go, by several large men in loin cloths carrying SPEARS! They even tried to follow me into the toilet!"

By the end of his declaration, his false composure had broken and he'd lapsed back into a frenzied panic.

Minerva just smirked, seeing several sets of curious eyes belonging to a group of barbarian-like men peering in through her open door.

"Ah," she said calmly. "I _thought_ they'd gotten lost."


	10. Severus Verses the Chocolate Frog

**Title:** Curse of Fate: Outtake Ten, Severus Verses the Chocolate Frog  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** G-ish  
**Summary:** Severus knows what he sees. Why will no one believe him?  
**Pairings:** none  
**Warnings:** none  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Notes:** Part two of the "Things Chasing Severus" series.

**Severus Verses the Chocolate Frog AKA Harry Takes Full Credit For This**

Minerva felt a headache coming on as someone attempted to beat down her door with their fists.

"Not again," she muttered, flicking her wand around the room a few times before spelling the door open.

As expected, Severus burst threw the door in a wide-eyed panic and rushed her desk. He ran straight into the chair she'd preemptively placed in his path, tripped and went tail over head onto the floor. Not one to be stopped so easily, he did a strange kind of forward roll right back onto his feet and continued towards her. He skidded briefly across the room on the sherbert lemons she'd trapped the floor with, arms waving wildly to regain his balance, and did an amazing leap across the pit of rabid licorice snaps. Racing the last few feet to his destination, he slammed face-first into the shield she'd placed around the desk and fell heavily onto his back.

Peering over her spectacles at him, she raised an eyebrow as he dazedly raised himself onto his elbows. After shaking his head a few times to clear it, he leaped to his feet and declared, "I'm being followed around by a chocolate frog!" He ignored her dropped jaw and continued. "Everywhere I go, it's right there!" he exclaimed, waving his hands as if to indicate that it could pop up at any moment. "Staring at me with it's beady little chocolate eyes, croaking it's horrible death threats!"

Minerva sighed. "Severus, you must calm down."

"Calm down!?" he demanded in a particularly high, terrified shriek. "Easy for you to say! You're not the one being stalked by a _snack food_!"


End file.
